Harry Potter Therapy Classes
by Werewolf Moon and Punk Bunny
Summary: Eamme, the therapist has her hands full when she agrees to give classes for certain witches & wizards!!
1. The Role

Harry Potter Therapy Classes  
  
Session 1: The Role  
  
In a magical therapy lobby there were a bunch of angry and upset witches and wizards, all very rowdy, all very sick of each other. They all had problems and only one man could have gotten them to come here, that man was Albus Dumbledore.  
  
"Alright everyone your attention please!" yelled a short old woman with grey hair and bad fashion sense, "if you would all like to follow me, we can get this over and done with."  
  
All heads turned her way as she spoke over the din, and everyone followed her as she scurried off down one of the corridors to the therapists 'Talkie Talkie Room' or so she calls it..  
  
They came up to the room and saw labelled on the door 'Talkie Talkie Room' and all were slightly afraid, well everyone except for Dumbledore, he just chuckled. The old woman opened the door and let everyone in.  
  
The room was large enough for the group, it had lounges, chairs, bean bags, pillows, everything and it was coloured a soft purple with little green swirls that kept moving along the wall.  
  
They all filed in and sat down on what ever they could find, "The Dr. will be in soon, just try not to break anything." The old woman said as she walked out of the room shaking her head. The Dr. hadn't had such a large group before, hopefully she'll manage.  
  
A few seconds or so later the door flung open and in stepped a twenty-two year old woman wearing stylish purple glasses carrying a purple folder. She wore black robes with deep purple stitching around the edges and she walked in briskly and seated herself on a large purple chair.  
  
"Okay," she said, "let's see here we have. ah yes, now when I call out your name, I want you to answer me, okay?" she looked up at everyone, all were looking strangely at her but nodded. They all thought she was just here to mark the roll or something, were they in for a surprise.  
  
"Okay, so we have Sirius Black."  
  
"Here." "Albus Dumbledore."  
  
"Here," his eyes twinkled, "and how are you today Eamme?"  
  
She looked up at him, "oh fine, and I'll get to you later," she went back to the list, "Hermione Granger."  
  
"Present."  
  
Hearing some sniggering, Eamme looked up, "oh yes, I see what you mean Albus, he does have some problems doesn't he," she said staring at a scowling Draco Malfoy. "Remus Lupin."  
  
"Here."  
  
"Draco Malfoy."  
  
"Here, but I shouldn't think that I should be here, god knows why, I don't need counselling."  
  
"Oh yeah your just perfect aren't you ferret boy!" Hermione sneered.  
  
"You shut up Mudblood!"  
  
"Yes leave my son alone"  
  
Then everyone started yelling and cussing. And then the wands came out.  
  
Eamme looked around at the squabbling group, "THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH!" she yelled, everyone fell silent. "I'm not even going to disgrace children by saying that your acting like them because not even children act like this, now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get the role done before we move on. So sit down, shut up and if you act like this again before I say you can, you will all be in biiiiiig trouble. Now, Luciu-"  
  
"Hold on a moment," this time she was interrupted by a cold voice, and that voice was Snape's. "You don't mean to say that you are the therapist?"  
  
"Well duh, who did you think I was, just the role taker or something? Luciu- "  
  
But again she was interrupted, god, she thought, will I even get through the role?????  
  
"But you're young and pretty and, and a girl!"  
  
"Afraid I'll give you girl germs or something?"  
  
"I thought we'd be getting some goudy old wizard or something! I want out!" Snape said.  
  
"Okay, thanks for that out burst, you can't get out of here even if you tried, the exit is sealed magically. Anyway shut up and let me mark you all here. Lucius Malfoy."  
  
"Here." Came his cold, sneering, stupid, evil voice.  
  
"Good, Minerva McGonagall."  
  
"Here."  
  
"Harry Potter."  
  
"Here."  
  
"Severus Snape."  
  
"Here."  
  
"No duh," she said quietly, "and finally Ron Weasley."  
  
"Yeah I'm here."  
  
"Excellent, everyone's here, good." She looked up at them, "I seriously didn't think that Dumbledore could actually get you all to come, he told me that you have some issues, well first thing's first. my name is Dr. Emerald Wolfmoon and-"  
  
"Now I remember you!" Snape said suddenly, "you were in Gryffindore at Hogwarts!"  
  
Eamme rolled her eyes and said sarcastically, "my god you're quick, any way, I'm your therapist and you can call me Eamme if you like, I don't really care, but please refrain from calling me any expletives, well for the moment anyway." She looked around at the group, "next is the happy little task of me taking your wands," when saying that nearly everyone groaned, "well it doesn't really matter, only I can use magic in here so it's of little use to you. But that's beside the point, you can still hurt someone with your wand by poking them with it, don't I know it, bloody Nichole. not to give you any ideas of course but just to be on the safe side, give me your wands." She held her hand out and everyone obeyed seeing as they couldn't do anything . "good, well you can do animagi if you want to but let's get on with it, now. let's see, why don't we start with every ones problems."  
  
But that was not a good word to say, you know, that funny little word, 'problem.' Just as she finished saying that word they all broke out yelling about how they have no problems, it was her with the problem yadda yadda yadda, then they started fighting between them selves again.  
  
Eamme sighed and shook her head, this was going to take a long time to sort out, a very long time and the bloody session was almost over. But what the hey, she enjoys it! 


	2. Where'd The Frying Pan Come From?

Session 2: Where'd the Frying Pan Come From???  
  
Once again all were in the magical lobby awaiting the classes. Grumbling, fighting etc.  
  
Snape turned to Dumbledore to voice his stupid opinion.  
  
Snape: I don't know why we have to go back there! I mean, It 's not as if we really have problems right? It's just a waste of time and money if you ask me.  
  
Albus: the first two sessions are free, look around for a moment, and then tell me if we shouldn't have classes  
  
Snape looked around and saw Draco fighting with Hermione, Remus looking depressed, Minerva looking tense, and Lucius looking strangely dreamy-eyed.  
  
Snape: okay, I admit we have a few, small problems but- At that moment Hermione lunged a Draco, knocking him to the ground and pummelling her fists on his chest.  
  
Draco: Get this crazy mudblood of me!!  
  
Mione: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! ~_~  
  
Evry1: o.O  
  
Eamme, (who appeared from no where):come on come on, break it up * pulls Mione off Draco who is now slightly afraid of her * it's time for therapy classes!!! * smiles * =P  
  
Evr1 expt Eamme, Dumbledore and Sirius: * groan*  
  
Eamme: dis way!!  
  
They followed her down the corridor, but the words on the door had changed, now it said.  
  
Draco: "Can I Just Get the Role Taken in 5 Munutes???!!!" .? o.O  
  
Evry1:o.O  
  
Harry: but I thought it was the "Talkie Talkie" room  
  
Eamme: yis, well, you all talked too much and so I changed the name, hint hint.  
  
They all walked inside and took their seats.  
  
Eamme: when I call out your name answer me, k?  
  
Evry1: yea  
  
Eamme:* takes a big breath * SiriAlbiMioneRemmiDraikkyLucyMinnieHarrySevieaaaaaandRonny!  
  
Evry1: * mouths open * o.o * blink blink *  
  
Eamme: aww, your allll here, *pretend sniff * you all want to see me, how sweet. Let's get started, Lucius, why have you joined this therapy class?  
  
Lucius: I haven't the faintest idea but the sparkley frog on the floor over there is funny looking * big crazy grin on his ugly sploogy face *  
  
Evry1 looks  
  
Eamme: er. what frog?  
  
Lucius: can't you see it?? Look! Awwwwwww, it's gone now.  
  
Eamme: ookay, maybe we have many issues to sort out.  
  
Evry1 expt Lucius who is watching his hand move: o.O  
  
Just then Lucius' face went green, he made choking noises and fell on the floor. All were silent. until Mione jumped up and started singing Wizard of Oz.  
  
Mione: Ding dong the Malfoy's dead!  
  
Harry joins in: Which old Malfoy?  
  
Mione: the wicked Malfoy!  
  
Harry and Mione: Ding dong the wicked Malfoy's DEEEAAAADD!!!  
  
Mione and Harry laughing and most of the others are too.  
  
Eamme: okay, I luv the wizard of oz and all, but I'm not taking responsibility for a dead guy in my room!!  
  
Draco: My father's dead!!  
  
Mione: YAY!!!!! ^-^  
  
Draco: but it's my father, he can't die!  
  
Mione: sure he can! =P  
  
Snape: technically he's not dead.  
  
Mione: WAT!!?? * runs over to Snape and grabs him * wat do you mean not dead!!!????  
  
Snape: O.O!!!  
  
Draco: told you all that she was crazy!! Told you all!!!! * crouches down next to Lucius rocking back and forth saying 'crazy' over and over *  
  
Ron: ok, Malfoy's flipped.  
  
Snape: we gave him a potion.  
  
Mione: ~ - ~  
  
Snape: Dumbledore made me do it!! I swear! Please get off me!! I'm not a bad guy!! So I have a big nose! That doesn't make me a criminal!!!!!  
  
Mione: oh.er, sorry 'bout that.hehe * walks away and sits down *  
  
Dumbledore: We gave it to him yesterday to make him come to the classes.  
  
Eamme: that's a suitable explanation, so anyway, why'd he spaz out?  
  
Minerva: it appears that the potion has worn off, he should regain consciousness anytime now.  
  
Snape:I believe I am the potions master here thank you! Since when do you know so much about potions! O.o  
  
Minerva: Since I learnt it at Hogwarts, so shut the hell up about it! ~.~  
  
Evry1: ooooooooooooo!!!  
  
Eamme: yay! We're making a breakthrough!!!  
  
Lucius starts to wake up  
  
Draco: Father, I thought you were dead!  
  
Mione: wish he was.  
  
Harry, Ron, Sirius and Remus: *nod in agreement *  
  
Minerva: too true.  
  
Lucius: Where the hell am I? * looks around and sees all the people he hates * What the.? * puts on a sneer and glares *  
  
Eamme: Hello, I'm your new therapist  
  
Lucius: Ha! * talking to himself * the Dark Lord must be testing me. my weaknesses. freaks.  
  
Evry1: o.O O.o  
  
Draco: actually Father, you have been bought here for therapy classes.  
  
Lucius: no, this is insane, come Draco, we're leaving! * walks to the door *  
  
Draco: no  
  
Lucius turns: no!? no!? what do you mean no!?  
  
Draco: I'm sick of you ordering me around like a bloody house elf! I'm not your bloody dog that you can just tell what to do!  
  
Sirius: hey! I resent that!  
  
Lucius: indeed  
  
Draco: I'm staying and, and I think you should too.  
  
Lucius: insolence! When we get home boy! You won't know what hit you!!!  
  
Eamme: progress at last!! YAYSYFULL!!! * jumps up and dances around clapping hands *  
  
Evry1: O.o riiiight  
  
Sirius: hey that look like fun! * jumps up and dances around clapping hands *  
  
Eamme sat back down but Sirius continued sometimes even singing tunelessly until Remus got up, walked over and whacked him over the head with a frying pan from god knows where, dragged the unconscious form over to a bean bag and sat down again. Sirius made a gurgling sound and his mouth was open with dribble coming out of it.  
  
Lucius: * unfazed * well I'm not staying here with you freakshows, I'm outta here! * looks for wand * what have you done to my wand!?  
  
Eamme: * calm soothing voice * alright Lucius, calm down, look at me, I have your wand  
  
Lucius: you! * advances on Eamme * how dare you! Give it to me now!  
  
Eamme: * perfectly still * you won't be getting it until the end of the class, you have problems that need to be sorted out, and you're staying here until you do!  
  
Lucius: says who!?  
  
Eamme: me  
  
Draco sneaks up behind his dad and hits him over the head with a frying pan  
  
Mione: WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! * . *  
  
Eamme: a break through!!!  
  
Draco: he annoyed me  
  
Harry: where'd the frying pan come from?  
  
* Silence *  
  
Ron: creepy.  
  
Remus: okay, so why are we all here? What are our problems?  
  
Eamme: excellent question, alright, Remus  
  
Remmie: yes  
  
Eamme: you're depressed because you're a werewolf and also because you think that you don't amount to anything.  
  
Remus: * silent and sad looking *  
  
Eamme: awww poor baby, don't worry I'll help, Hermione.  
  
Mione: yes!  
  
Eamme: well you're a know-it-all and you hate being like that but you can't help it.  
  
Mione: * sniff * it's true!  
  
Eamme: and we have Draco. you're a snob with and attitude problem and upset a lot of people, you're like this because of your home life, you try to live up to your parents standards and still don't get any recognition from them.  
  
Draco: * sad looking with eyes down *  
  
Eamme: then we have Minerva, who is in denial coz she's in love.  
  
Minnie: am not!  
  
Eamme: see, denial!  
  
Evr1: laughing coz McGonagall's in love  
  
Minnie: shut up!  
  
Snape was laughing to hard and Minerva hit him over the head with a frying pan  
  
Snape: owww! Don't!!! Minerva that hurt!  
  
Minerva: you mean it didn't render you unconscience !!?? I'll have another go!  
  
Snape: Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Minerva: * swishes pan *  
  
Snape: *ducks head *  
  
Minerva twirls around in a circle from the force of the pan  
  
Minerva: damn it! Snape don't duck!  
  
Snape: keep away from me!  
  
Minerva: keep still!!!  
  
Minerva chases Snape around with the frying pan yelling "keep still!" and Snape screaming like a girl.  
  
Meanwhile Sirius wakes up, looks at Snape running away from Minerva screaming his head off and starts laughing.  
  
Eamme: it's a kodak moment!  
  
Mione: saaaay Fuji!!  
  
Evr1 expt Minnie and Sevie: hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!  
  
Lucius wakes up: owww my head, this must be the Dark Lord testing me.  
  
Eamme: nah, just me testing ya! Your problem is that your evil, a kid basher, and alcoholic, have anger issues and are smelly  
  
Evry1 expt Lucy: hahahaha smelly smelly hahaha  
  
Eamme: moving on, Snape, come and sit down  
  
Snape sits and Dumbledore holds Minerva back and takes the frying pan away that suddenly disappears  
  
Eamme: Snape, your problem is that your stupid, nah only joking.  
  
Sirius: no you weren't  
  
Eamme: true. anyway you have a problem with anyone that isn't in Slytherin especially those three there * Harry Ron Mione * and you have anger management problems  
  
Minerva: and no life.  
  
Eamme: Harry, you hate the popularity and fame that you get for something you don't even remember and you're sick of the Dark Lord trying to kill you every year  
  
Harry: very true, you'd think he'd learn by now  
  
Eamme: Ron, you're jealous of Harry and you have problems with Draco  
  
Ron: I'm not jealous of Harry!  
  
Eamme: and you're in denial, well I think that's everyone  
  
Sirius: what about me!?  
  
Eamme: you blame yourself for your best friends death  
  
Sirius: * sniff * yeah.  
  
Minerva: then what's Albus doing here?  
  
Eamme: coz he wanted to come and also so his eyes can go 'twinkle twinkle'  
  
Evry1 expt Eamme and Albus: what?  
  
Albus: *twinkle twinkle *  
  
Eamme: see  
  
Evry1: oh yeah that twinkle.  
  
Eamme: Good you've all calmed down finally! You all going to come to the next session?  
  
Evr1: yep  
  
Eamme: good! We begin the therapy tomorrow then!! Off you go now and don't kill each other on the way out!!!!  
  
Evry1 left quietly and Eamme sighed to herself  
  
The little old witch with no fashion sense came in.  
  
LOWWNFS: anything wrong Eamme?  
  
Eamme: oh hi! Nah, nothing's wrong, it's just that this is going to take a long time.  
  
LOWWNFS: a very long time I think Eamme, a very long time. 


End file.
